Monday, May 3, 2010

So You Want To Have Children??

So you have finally decided to have a baby,finally you want to settle down in life,because trust me settling down would be the last word you would use to describe the experience after you have a kid ,you also think there's nothing new to learn before you take off to start a family of your own,well then the preparation I mention below is clearly not for you.


Preparation

Women: 

•    Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there.
 Every week, add another beanbag.After 9 months, remove 2 beanbags.

Men:
•    Go to your pharmacy. Empty your wallet on the counter.Tell the pharmacist to help himself
•    Go to the supermarket.Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their front office.
•    Go home.Read the newspaper… for the last time.

Knowledge
 •    Find a couple with children. Berate them about their lack of discipline, lack of patience, low tolerance, and how their children run wild.Suggest how they can improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and general   behavior.Enjoy it while it lasts. It's the last time you'll have all the answers.

    
Dressing Small Children

•    Buy a live octopus and a string bag.Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out  Time allowed: 5 minutes.

Cars

•    Sell the BMW. Buy a 5-door wagon.
•    Put a large chocolate ice cream cone in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
•    Put a peanut butter sandwich in the CD player.
•    Mash a box of chocolate cookies into the back seat.
•    Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Going For a Walk

•    Wait.
•    Go out the front door.
•    Go back inside.
•    Go outside.
•    Come back in.
•    Go outside.
•    Walk down the front sidewalk.
•    Walk back up it.
•    Walk down it again.
•    Walk very slowly along the street for 5 minutes.
•    Stop at every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead bug along the way. Inspect each    minutely.   Ask at least 6 questions about each.
•    Retrace your steps.
•    Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
•    Give up and go back into the house.
•    Repeat for 5 years.

Grocery Shopping

•    Go to the supermarket. Take along the nearest thing to a pre-school child: a fully grown goat. (If you plan to have more than one child, take more than one goat.)
•    Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) get out of your sight.
•    Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

TV
•    Learn the names of every character from every episode of the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies, and every Disney movie.
•    Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.


Traveling
•    Make a recording of someone shouting “Mommy!” over and over. (There may be no more than 4 seconds between each shout.)
•    Include the occasional crescendo to the approximate decibel level of a fighter jet.
•    Play this tape in your car continuously the 5 years.


5 comments:

  1. hehhe...you have scared me with these suggestions...

    I loved the one with the goat a lot :)

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  2. Oh God!!! Is it this scary to have a child?? Hilarious post... Loved it.

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  3. My, my! You do seem so full of experience! LOL

    Loved the traveling bit! btw, isn't 4 seconds too long an interval? :D

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  4. Good lord!

    Well.. I should not be surprised, I have seen many live examples of these situations.

    ReplyDelete