Sunday, August 22, 2010

Witty Sarcasm

Well this post was accidentally deleted  by blogger, as a thank you to their quick response I am republishing this..

Well this post is dedicated to people who believe that sarcasm is an art and are fluent in it!!!!

SO here is some sarcasm to dazzle your wits!!!

How would you react to these.....
"If I was kidding I'd be dressed like you”
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
I like dogs too. Let’s exchange recipes.
A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
“I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.”
Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-Screw You!
“100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?”
-Not all men are annoying. Some are dead
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I thought you wanted a career, turns out you just wanted pay checks.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

8 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

4. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

6. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

7. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

Well they were fond of it too!!!
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
Yogi Berra

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.
Oscar Levant

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett mocking the TV-violence debate

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
- Groucho Marx

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody Allen

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
George Bernard Shaw

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

“The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.”
David Ogilvy

“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
- Charles Pierce

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.
Woody Allen

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant

“It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.”
- Caron de Beaumarchais

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
- Woody Allen

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
Woody Allen

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips

 “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Mark Twain

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen

“For your information, I would like to ask a question.”
Samuel Goldwyn

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen

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